I think I also discovered that I need to get my butt back into the gym!
Today I discovered that I am no longer afraid of success or acceptance.
For years, one of my greatest fears about writing is that people will actually enjoy the work that I produce. I was afraid of being published. I was afraid of professional acceptance.
Don’t get excited, folks… I’m still not published.
No, what I have for you is something a bit more interesting…
The Someday Syndrome Interview
Not long ago, Alex Fayle of Someday Syndrome fame asked me if I would be an interviewee on his site. As I am practically a professional procrastinator, I thought I’d have loads of experience to share, but what happened is that I learned something profound about myself.
During the course of the questioning (read the whole interview here), I was writing about my fear of acceptance an how that kept me from submitting my work and putting myself out there. It didn’t feel right though. I mean, I’ve almost always been afraid of someone saying they like my work. I can’t remember a time when the thought of recognition did not make me flush red and run for the covers.
Yet, in writing about it for Alex, I didn’t feel the usual grip of terror. In fact, the whole idea of being afraid of success and acceptance took on this air of a phantom limb severed from my body. Surely it was there, somewhere waiting in the darkness, waiting to pounce.
Nope. I got nothin’.
The Case of The Missing Fear
So what happened to this fear of success? Where did you go, my lovely crutch, and what am I to do with out you?
I thought about this for a bit and I realized that you, my dear readers, took away my crutch. You kicked it out from underneath me and I didn’t even notice it was gone until I stopped to think about it.
At this moment, HNTW has over 500 subscribers. Some of you receive my missives via email, some of you in RSS. Some of you weather the storm of my incessant tweets and find your way here. Others just happen by from time to time…
When I add the number of people who come to the site from links around the web or read the posts on LiveJournal or just wander in from Google, I figure that close to 1,000 people see each post during its first week of existence.
Wow. That’s a lot of people checking out my work. Not only that, but that’s also more people than the usual number of subscribers for an average small press zine. In other words, more people read my work because I toss it out on the Internet than would if my work appeared in print.
So… what am I afraid of exactly?
Now I’m not trying to get into some debate about print versus web or blogging versus publishing. I’m not trying to say that my writing here is the same as appearing in an honest to goodness magazine. I’m not discounting it either… What I’m saying is that by sharing my writing here on the web I’ve taken away any logical reason to be afraid of success or acceptance.
The best part is that I’ve done it while making a swell group of friends.
Isn’t it kind of cool to think that you were part of this sneaky transformation? Thank you!! And a special thanks to Alex Fayle for asking the right questions!